Hey, I live on the Sun. It’s hot. It’s humid. The Recipe house is not well cooled and it was built before 1935. I don’t like using the oven for about 7 months out of the year.

BUT

I will make my baked beans. They’re the best that processed foods can give us. One day, the sky will blacken and we’ll all be choosing between red and blue pills, but for now, we have my Party Beans.

Party Beans

2 cans Bush’s Vegetarian Baked beans

1 BIG OLE can, Durkee’s (I don’t care IF they’re called French’s now) fried onions

mustard, to taste (I use Dijon because I’m snooty.)

Mrs. Butterworth’s – that’s right, Mrs. Like all good things, she’s taken, boys – to taste

Caveat: Do Not Use Good Maple Syrup. For some insane reason, Mrs. Butterworth’s works best in this.

Preheat oven to 350 F. Pour beans into rational size baking dish. Add mustard and syrup. Stir and taste. Correct terrifying seasonings. Add equally frightening fried onions to oniony saturation point. Bake until bubbly.

Try to hold back tears as people you have handmade puff pastry for ooh and aah over this pile of scrumptious chemicals.